Ten Ways to Become a Successful Messiah

1.       Creativity:
To be a successful Messiah you have to be very creative and imaginative. It is not easy to pluck out a farce theory of divine entities and their needless harassment of human kind out of thin air; you have to be extremely creative to be able to think of such stories. And plus you need to know how to string together fun stories, some naughty stories, silly stories and horror struck stories with made up convincing facts in a cohesive manner. These days there are many institutions which are offering courses in Creative Arts that might be really helpful for any aspiring Messiah.
2.       Research Skills:
This is perhaps the most essential arsenal that any Messiah needs to possess if he wants to be successful in bringing out a new religion or refreshing any older one. You have to know your target audience, their social patterns, their fears and so on. And you also have to know all the previous religions or cults in case you intend to make any connection with them, for example the three major religions Judaism, Christianity and Islam. And to know all these things you need to have good research skills and the desire to dig out the dirt on your competition so that you may use it as an advantage to your campaign.
3.       Developing your Philosophy:
You cannot be a Messiah either successful or not so much successful than you could have been if you do not have a certain Philosophy of life. If you do not have any it is well advised that you get a pen and paper right now and bolt down your quintessential purpose on this world and work your way around it to define a philosophy for yourself, I am sure God will help you in your endeavour. To make you more familiar with this notion of developing your philosophy here are some examples:
Jesus Christ, a local carpenter, soon realized that he was no good at building anything so went about to find his other purpose in life. After a lot of research (very essential) he recognized what pisses Jews off and what interests Romans and came back with the idea of him being the son of God. His main philosophy was forgiving and forgetting and dying on behalf of the whole humanity to redeem the goodness of their souls, which didn’t turn out that great for him but left an everlasting legacy.
Zoroaster, a troubled civil servant who got fed up with making coffee for everyone and one day came up with his philosophy of life sprouting from it a new religion. His philosophy was centred on crippling the thoughts of an entire nation by manufacturing a new model of Mazda called Ahura Mazda. It was a very successful model, one of the fastest selling until they thought of making a model for Middle-East.
This brings us to Muhammad, an anti-Semite trader who took pride in being illiterate while being able to run a very successful business. His philosophy was to blame everything on the Jews, enable men to have legal foursomes and save all the alcohol for himself by forbidding it for the masses. I must say it worked brilliantly for him.
4.       Personality:
For any aspiring Messiah it is important to have a very appealing personality. If you are an introvert than you might want to follow down Buddha’s path but then again you need to have certain aspects to your personality to attract the masses. You need to be diplomatic, loosen the rigidness of your new-formed religion for royalties, you need to have good sense of humour, if you can’t laugh at yourself then you won’t have any fun creating a religion, you need to be honest and sincere, although that is not very necessary when taking in account the doings of all previous Messiahs, and you need to be authoritative, that is a given since you want to conform people to your thinking and understanding of life.
5.       Accessorize:
One important way to bring out your personality and stand out from the crowd is to be able to accessorize. A lot of Messiahs did that, Moses had a staff, Simon of Peraea wore a fancy belt, and Athronges used to wear a cloak made out of a thousand sheep’s skin which is an obvious exaggeration.
6.       Market Appeal:
Any Messiah who wants to be successful needs to come up with stories with strong market appeal in order to get a movie, book or a TV-Drama deal with a major distributor. It is good for the economical profitability of the cult and has good advertising value.
7.       Additional Skills:
Acquiring additional skills can come in very handy for any Messiah who is to find himself in a tight spot. Magic tricks are a very common and popular trade among the ‘OMG’ – ‘Obtrusive Messiah Guild’. It is also important to acquire some skills for the day job as well, business at start can be slow and it is again highly advised by ‘OMG’.
8.       Party Pooping Behaviour:
It is very essential for a Messiah to remind the people of Hell and the punishments that awaits the sinners’ at the most inappropriate times. It catches the people off-guard and they tend to remember it by a relative awkward link created in their memory which helps to keep them in check.
9.       Q/A Session skills:
It is very important for all Messiahs to never give a straight answer to any question.
10.   Eliminate the Competition:
And lastly you must be able to spot the reasonable and sensible people in your cult and force them out or better yet execute them before they spot the fool in you.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Momus Najmi says:

    Reblogged this on The World of Momus.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s