The flirtation of my mind with thoughts of darker shades is a constant curse that I have been living with all my life. I do not blame my mind for taking that route when it pleases to do so, but I do blame my will for not retracting it back to the place it belongs. I may not be the poster boy for an absolute divine ethical soul, but I do like to remain on those forefronts. I might be rebellious at heart but such things need to be balanced out and kept in control. The rebellious nature more than ever becomes a habit which embeds in the depths of the soul, senseless swifts against the streams is not what is required. When things are right there is hardly any need to make it otherwise. But when they are wrong, then matters need to be addressed.
So as I discuss these precursors of social conduct with myself that brutally impairs my mind, and thus force my conscious into darker domains, the threads of my self-resolute become foreign to my understanding. The flesh and body of others become more tempting to me at times of such utter blindness; and so the need to feel and touch the tender skin becomes excruciatingly exasperating for me to quench within. My veins start breeding hot blood, steaming as it pumps in and out, and so lingering with such desperation, my mind’s erection for a human simplicity as such finds a way to release itself. Driving my force into another gives me pleasure that bears no sense; no sense whatsoever that my conscious mind would ever condone. And it is within those precarious moments that I found her; dancing in the half baked sunlight, drunk in the openness of the day, the denim perfectly complementing her body, her fuzzy long hair swish swashing as she rolled her head from one side to another listening to the music playing in her friend’s car. I can still remember watching her standing perplexed at the gas station until she looked back at me and smiled. That night was marred with our insignificant vanities thrashing through time and space rendering silence and faith while farcing a paradox. Back and forth as our bodies flowed so did my mind every inch of the way, my body neared heaven within seconds in her fold. The sweet aura that surrounded us gave a new life to me, and I regretfully breathed into that insanity; if only those moments mattered to her as they mattered to me things would have ended up differently. But maybe they did matter to her just not in the same way and that is why things did end different just not in the usual way.
For days it carried on, that procession of ours soon began to give itself meaning. We started to share moments, cajoled each other with comforting lies, started sharing our things, started living together, in short we started living as one. My reclusive needs were abandoned, my mystic senses went affray and I became something that I never even dreamt I would be; I became happy. I smiled often, and a hearty laughter all too often, I began to smell the flowers and feel the raptures of joyous festivities break in multitude within myself. She changed me, she corrupted me; she with her perky breasts and ripe lips cavorted on my senses and tore me from myself. But thankfully it is all over now, it is now a thing of the past, even if it is a past of mere seconds ago it still is a past.
I shall mark this day, 11th of December 1984, into my mind, body and soul. This is the day when I rectified my biggest folly. I shall remember this day till the end of time, for it will serve to control me from travelling into the dark halls of happiness.
I have always lived in isolation with peace and harmony, but she dragged me out of it and I let her do it. Now that I see outside my window I am disgusted with myself. I can see first starts of Christmas decorations at most homes, I can smell my neighbours roast beef from here, house number 4’s dad sitting on the front porch wearing the Seattle Mariners cap wearing Alvin Davies shirt and smoking his cigar, two kids on the street pretending to be Peter and Raymond chasing after ghosts while their mother is shouting them to come inside for dinner, what the hell am I doing here in this circus? I have let myself into this dream, this disillusioned psychotic dream injected with love and romance. I cannot bear to look at this world; I cannot bear to look at myself anymore in the mirror. I have always preferred living behind curtains and I should go back to doing that once again.
The radio is playing ‘Love Bites’, I love that song. Judas Priest always calms me down. Must not let it get to the head. The thing with anger is that if you let it drive you it most certainly will drive you but always to a place where you never wanted to go. I know I don’t have much long left; I need to get out of here. Her blood is all over the floor, and I am still holding the dagger. What sweet relief it gave, piercing through that skin, the enchantment breaking as her blood splashed out; retribution to the soul of hers and mine alike, out of her dream and into mine.
Dagger cleaned, backpack readied, I am good to go. The authorities will have a hard time finding the killer; you cannot find a person who does not exist. They can put up my picture on all stores from the recollection of neighbours, once I get rid of this ridiculous mullet and shave my rotting face, no one will recognize me. With no records and no finger prints of mine in the database they will never be able to identify me. And anyway the only living being able to recognize me would be grizzlies and salmons, and I am sure none of them would go to the authorities. I am going north, back to the wild where I belong.
This world is a misplaced child of a long gone drug addict who had it when she was high on cocaine, banging up heroine, juggling meth’s and biscuits and playing hula hoops with the Postman, the three headed alien reverse psychologist whose only purpose was to intercept mails and use them for his analysis. The only way to be rationalized as normal in this world is if you play it by the rules of the system, which is a very hypocritically corrupted and twisted social system. Forcing the human beings into this system has made it impossible for any of them to realize their true worth and purpose. They are just rolling along in this pile of dirt, thrashing each other’s faces into the mud to avoid being an outcast. Someone once said that to change the system you have to change it from within, well I say fuck that, if you stay in the system for too long you become the system and then you don’t change it you just screw it a bit more to work in your advantage. This happy is not happy, this life is not life; these careers, these bank accounts, these homes, these families, they are nothing but a lie. A lie fed to you so that you continue this cycle, this cycle of madness. And I am ashamed, angry and disappointed at myself for being dragged into this. I conformed to the horrors of blissful life that are nothing but murderous to the true nature of human self but not anymore. I am packing my bags and I am leaving. I am done with this shit.